Because I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of turning on my TV or logging in to Facebook and seeing the plight of my people. I’m tired of being black. (Not that I want to be anything else though) I’m tired of my people suffering with seemingly no one who cares. No one who is willing to tell the Truth. I’m tired of the ignorance and the ostrich syndrome of my white friends. My white CHRISTIAN friends. (Not that I think they can do anything, I would just like an acknowledgement of compassion) But there has been nothing but silence.
I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of P.R.E.S.S.ing.
I sense it all pointing to something. Perhaps destiny?
God knew there would be days like this or else He wouldn’t have put in the Bible “Don’t be weary in well doing because in ‘due season’ we will reap, if we don’t GIVE UP”!!!!
I’m not giving up. Just today, I’m TIRED!!!
I lived in denial about my part in my husbands’ infidelity. I was in denial about my part in pushing him away. I was in denial about my need to take responsibility for my choices for my life so that I could move forward with the big destiny that God was calling me to walk in.
I remember the first time my husband stayed out all night. I was frantic with worry. I called the police department. The hospitals. I called every number I could think of and each time I was relieved to not hear them verify his name. And with each passing moment, my anxiety of his whereabouts grew and grew. When he finally showed up, he was so calm and casual. To my horror, this type of activity became a major existence of my life with him. I turned into a miserable, angry, bitter woman.
Adultery doesn’t just ‘happen’. Adultery occurs because a series of progressively enticing thoughts (and possibly actions) occur over time. Scripture clearly tells us that our sin is a result of what we have entertained in our minds. Temptation comes from what we already desire.
Things did not change though. The more hurt, anger, bitterness and rage that I displayed towards him, the more distant, uncaring and unfeeling he displayed towards me. It was a nightmare that I was fully awake to and lived through. What I am about to share with you are 5 unhelpful things that I did to ‘tear down my own house with my own hands’. What I am hoping that you will do is take advantage of this tuition-free knowledge.
Mistake #1: I did not support his goals for the family.
He had a goal of saving a certain amount of money and then I would stop working. I trivialized his goal. I minimized it. I mocked it. In fact, I fought him because I wanted control. This all communicated to him disrespect and a lack of support.
Mistake #2: I did not respect or trust his judgement as a leader of our home.
I had at my disposal a large sum of money. We were evaluating a real estate deal during the time shortly before the real estate boom in Florida. In short, we could have acquired a really nice home on a corner lot for little to nothing in comparison to the worth. But because I did not understand real estate, I did not trust the person bringing the deal and I did not trust my husband’s judgement I disagreed with the deal. After all, it was ‘MY MONEY’ so we did not do the deal.
Mistake #3: I turned him down for sex on a regular basis.
I did not understand my role as his wife and the super importance of sex in a man’s life. The only legitimate way (before God) for sex is within the covenant of marriage. I did not grasp the fact that my body is the only ‘store open’ for him for sex. There is no other legitimate place for him to go. So, when I turned him down or wasn’t ‘into it’ or made excuses not to, it left him starving – literally.
Mistake #4: I disrespected him in front of his family and the kids.
I pretty regularly would say things that undermined his manhood in front of his family and our children. I am now aware that I learned this bad habit from the home I grew up in. I am not excusing my behavior, but I am explaining it to you. In short, I emasculated him on a regular basis.
Mistake #5:I did not do anything to make him feel loved.
I was led to read the story of Hosea and Gomer. I had always had misgivings about reading the story because I heard it was about a prophet who was married to a prostitute and God required the prophet to stay with the prostitute. It was through this study that I realized that although my husband did many things (albeit things not in my love language) to make me feel loved, I didn’t do anything to make him feel loved. My bitterness produced this negativity.
What I learned about me….
‣ It wasn’t until I took responsibility for my part in the destruction of my marriage that I could even have an open pathway to forgiveness and eventually healing.
‣I had trust issues long before I married my husband.
‣I had no idea what a healthy marriage looked like or how to build one.
If you see yourself in any of these negative behaviors, for the love of God –STOP. Get help. Heal. I understand you may be hurting, but please know that you are not the only one hurting. There is collateral damage around you.
This is an excerpt from my e-book. if you would like the full version, you can find it here —> bit.ly/turnhubby
Its Fathers Day and I imagine some of you are feeling “some kind of way”. Some may be happily celebrating it. Some may be feeling sorrowful because your Dad is no longer with us. Some may be feeling resentful either because your Father was/has been or is an absentee or merely a sperm donor. OR because the Father of your child/children are not in their rightful place. Whatever the place your heart is in on this day, remember the only power a thing or person has over you is the power you give them.
Here I am pictured with my Daddy. It was taken on Fathers Day 2009. Three years before he left us. I could still be angry at my Dad because of the things I experienced as a child. Because of his adultery that I discovered while in middle school, I could be bitter. It robbed me of parts of my childhood. His choices altered my life forever.
However, many years later, after his diagnosis of Alzheimers, I used it as a gift to process all that happened in my childhood and eventually forgave him. Forgiveness is a choice and my life has been better because of it. Because of my choice to forgive, it helped me to see the good and positive things that occurred in my life as a result of him being my father. I shared them in this post about the 3 Things I Learned From My Daddy. You can do and have this too!
Because of the freedom that I’ve achieved through forgiveness, it has allowed me to heal and become my calling. I think all along, the things that happened to me was a a part of God’s Plan and Hand so that I would be a witness to testify to you that you can achieve freedom through forgiveness — even of the people who hurt you the most. Even your childrens’ Father. Even your Father.
What about you?? What valuable lessons did your Dad teach you? Or, if your Dad was not present in your life, what have you learned in spite of that reality? How has it changed you for the better? How has it inhibited you – if so – what are you doing to make up for it?
Some of you may have lost touch with your Heavenly Father and are feeling the weight of it. He is always beckoning you to come back and be near Him. In fact, I’m hosting a free webinar in which I will address this. Click HERE to learn more.
Peace & Blessings,
I wasn’t a groupie, I worked in Sales at the Atlanta Hawks. I had access (and met) such basketball greats such as Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Magic Johnson and Charles Barkley. I was young, inexperienced (though I didn’t think so at the time) and full of myself. I actually THOUGHT that he was serious about me. The reality is that I was really fooling myself. I believed what I chose to believe. I was deep in deception. I was having a ‘good time’.
Looking back on that period of time I ask myself, “Girl, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!?” You were not RAISED to allow ANYONE to treat you that way.
Now I know. I WASN’T THINKING! I was allowing the thrill and excitement of having the attention of an NBA legend cloud my judgement. There is no way I would allow a ‘regular’ Joe treat me that way.
Can you relate?
Have you ever had a time or relationship in your past where you say to yourself ‘what was I thinking’? Are you still living with that regret? Do you still feel sad or mad about what happened?
God made us to be in relationship with each other. He even said “it is not good for man (or woman) to be alone”. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and have someone to share that love with. Sometimes, therein lies the problem. We want to be loved and accepted and meet ‘the one’.
Just the other day, a friend reached out to me to ask me to pray for her. She wanted me to pray that she stay of sound mind because she’d recently met a man she’s really interested in and doesn’t want to make a mistake with this one. She further shared that she wants to proceed with care because she is recently divorced.
She wants to make sure that her heart and her head are working congruently.
But how do you do that? How do you get your heart AND head working together in relationships?
One way is being careful to make sure it is safe to attach and bond with that person in the beginning. Dr. Jon Van Epp, founder of Love Thinks developed the relationship attachment model or RAM that focuses on 5 bonding areas for a healthy relationship to grow: know, trust, rely, commit and THEN touch. The RAM shows that you no longer have to rely upon the powerless ‘love is blind’ approach to dating. I remember my Mama asking me about the new love in my life when I began ‘dating’ the NBA player saying “was he nice”? Now I know better! Charles Manson was ‘nice’! How else could he attract those women?
These days we need more on board than ‘nice’.
Once you meet someone, you need to get to know them; then you start to trust them. As they prove they are trustworthy, you spend more time and get to know how they react in certain situations you see if they are reliable. Once you are able to rely on them, you can become more committed and once the commitment level is high–on both sides–then you can add romantic touch.
There are two rules that go with this.
The safe zone is there is no level is higher than the previous one. In other words, you shouldn’t touch more than you are committed; you shouldn’t commit more than you rely; you shouldn’t rely more than you trust and you shouldn’t trust more than you know.
Many relationships are out of balance from the start – and may be doomed for failure, heartbreak and disappointment because we go from meeting a person to straight to bed with them. Steve Harvey had at least a part of it right in his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man in which he advises readers to not have sex until after 90 days. It takes at least 90 days for red flags to start to show up. I’m not going to mention what I think about sex before marriage. I will address that at a later date, but I will share that I think that character flaws can ‘hide’ even within the 90 day range.
IF you want to have a healthy relationship, my recommendation is to observe your love interest in many, different especially stressful situations. That is really when the rubber meets the road. How does this person react to stress or challenging times? Do you see lemon or do you see lemonade?
That is when the ‘heart’ of a person shows up because in dating, most people put their best self forward. It may take several months and/or several situations to see serious patterns or behaviors surface.
But what if you are saying, “Stephanie, its too late. Where was this information when I needed it? I’ve just gotten out of a relationship that I never should have been in in the first place. I feel terrible about my decision and now my life is forever altered. What’s more, I’m still mad, sad, resentful, regretful or hurting over it”.
We all make mistakes and no one can erase the past. What we can do is something about the future. Make better decisions. Go in to relationships with open eyes and a heart of wisdom.
If you (or someone you know) still DO NEED to process those feelings of the past, I have a solution for you. If you (or someone you know) are still living in the ‘what ifs’, ‘what was I thinking’ or ‘how did I let him treat me that way’ then contact me for a FREE session to help you along the way so you can begin to put the past where it belongs–in the past!
Peace & Blessings,
May – a celebration of Mom and the first pre-summer vacation so today I’m checking in with you to see where you are on the fun ratio?
May is generally the time of year that you start to think more about how you’re going to have ‘fun’ this summer with your family. My question is ‘what about you’? Are you penciling in ‘your’ fun?
I get it. You’re very busy. You could be busy as a working mom or stay-at-home mom. But what about you – as an individual woman? Do you take time out for ‘you’ on a regular basis? Do you make the time to do the things that give ‘you’ life? It could be something as simple as reading a book, taking a relaxing bath or as elaborate as getting in a spa day at a fabulous resort . The important thing that I want you to keep in mind is that you need to prioritize fun in your life. Many working women are so accustomed to taking care of everyone else’s needs while pushing their own needs to the side. Stop doing this! Not only are you doing a disservice to others, you are doing a disservice to yourself. Healthy, balanced women need to allocate time for rest and play. No matter how busy you are. If you are out of balance in this area, maybe this month is the month that you prioritize this important part of your life.
The average four-year-old laughs 300 times a day, a 40-year-old, only four. I don’t know if that is the actual number, but the principle is true. The ratio is definitely true. Even the Proverbs say that laughter is good like medicine. I want you to take a moment right now and think about your fun ratio. On a scale from 1 to 10 with one being almost never and 10 being weekly or daily – where are you on the fun scale?
I recently had the wonderful opportunity to add some ‘fun’ to my evening at Simply Art Studios with the Tampa Bay Blog Gals. It was exciting and a little intimidating in the beginning because of the seemingly complexity of the canvas creation we were to paint. The staff at Simply Art made creating the art piece simple. The artist was very patient and showed us step-by-step. It was interesting to see the different interpretations and personalities shine through in our final pieces.
Its been proven that friendships between women have considerable health benefits. In fact, a 2009 University of Michigan study published in the Journal Hormones and Behavior found that when women feel emotionally close to other women, their bodies produce more progesterone, boosting mood and alleviating stress. So not only is spending time with friends fun its is healthy for your mind and body!
In case you are having a challenge or if you may feel guilty about having fun because you have so many things on your plate, here are 3 ways to reconnect with your inner fun:
These are just training wheels designed to get you to the real goal of continuously and regularly experiencing fun. Once you’ve learned and practiced to do that, it’s time to align your actual behavior with fun being a priority. This is as far from trivial and self-indulgent as you can get. It may be the biggest, bravest thing you’ll ever do – to take care of yourself.
Oh, remember the outing at Simply Art Studios? Below is a shot of our final masterpieces!
So as you are planning your summer vacation and getting the kiddos in summer camp, remember to pencil in a little fun for yourself. I’m curious. How many of you already are practicing this important self-care and how many of you plan to start? What do you like do to have fun? Post your comments below. I’m going to be checking in with you this month to nudge you along. Focus on fun. Until next time…
Peace & Blessings,
Do you have something in your life that you need to give the boot? It could be a bad habit like unhealthy eating, staying up too late, abusing alcohol OR a negative influence like hanging around people that do not support your positive growth, watching too much TV, too much social media or comparing your inside to someone else’s outside. Chances are you are well aware of your vice.
This past weekend was a special time for Christians as they celebrated Easter. It was a time of acknowledging the day that Jesus was put to death and the fact that He was resurrected from the dead.
My question to you is what is living in your life that you need to put to death? It could be a person. It could be a habit. It could be a relationship. It could be an area in which you need to grow.
Conversely, what is dead in your life that needs to be resurrected? It could be healthy eating habits, exercising, self discipline and self control, forgotten dreams and goals?
I’m going to give you 3 ways to finally get a move on in getting unstuck and reclaiming the life you’re dreaming of. The steps are very simple and not really earth shattering, but sometimes life is so busy, you don’t take the time to notice. They are:
By virtue of reading this, I want you to think about something that has been holding you back. A good way of discerning this is something that you frequently say, ‘some day….I’ll’ or something close to that. Once you’ve completed the first two steps, I want you to deliberately start to ‘get your mind in gear’ and get ready to do something different. What are the baby steps? What is your plan? How can you begin to tackle this?
So, while everyone else is putting away their Easter frocks and decorations, I want you to let the message of Easter – the death and resurrection to linger a bit in your heart and mind. While it is lingering, what is it saying? Share your thoughts with me. What are you willing to let go of and what are you willing to breath new life in to?
While you are pondering I want to let you know that coming soon is my new -FREE- training to give you even more to help you in this area. It is called “Rediscovering You – a 3-Step Plan For Getting YOU Back”. I can’t wait to share it with you!
Now I’d love to hear from you!
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts in the comments below! I have a feeling this one’s going to stir it up! Until next time….
Peace & Blessings,
Today is a bittersweet day for me. Today is the day that I move out of my beautifully decorated office space. For well over a year this space has been my refuge. My prayer room. My sanctuary. My hiding place. My healing place. My peace. My creative space. My thinking space. My woman cave. And, today, I’m moving out.
Some may think that I am taking a step back. Sometimes you have to take those ‘steps back’ and create a dance. A sort of life ‘tango’. The one where you take one step backward, one step forward. Two steps backward; two steps forward. And so on. Yes, I could think negatively about that, but then what would I be saying about all that I believe in? What would I be saying about my destiny? What would I be showing the world? My clients? Myself? For that matter, what would I be saying about God? Do I truly believe that all things work together for good?
This is where Faith comes in. When I start thinking about that mustard seed that I’ve been handing out. The substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things not seen. This is where Jehovah Jireh comes in. El Shaddai – the God who is more than enough. As a person who is persistently optimistic, I start to ‘look at the benefits’ of working from home. I think of the money I will save. The home office tax deduction. The fact that I will now have more access to my children when they get home from school. Looking at this bright side is a conscience choice that I have made. It is how I choose to live my life.
You may be going through a difficult season in your life. Whether your challenge has been going on for one week, several months, one year or many, many years – one thing is absolutely true. God loves you and whether or not you have been perceptive of His presence, He is and always will be there. He is the type of God who will wait for you. He is really real. No matter how or what you may think about Him – tell Him about it. He knows. He understands. His grace is there for you to receive. Just simply ask him. Just pray. If you are unsure about how to pray. I wrote about that very subject here. Check it out. It is very practical.
I ask you. Where are you today? Are you living in fear, doubt, despair, depression – the life draining state of being? Or are you living in belief, hope and faith? At the end of the day. It is your choice. I invite you to choose faith – it is life giving.
Thank you for making it all the way to the end. If this resonated with you and you’d like to receive more in the future,
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Peace & Blessings,
When I got serious about my walk with The Lord. When I first was filled with The Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues, I was on fire! The first thing that I learned was spiritual warfare. In fact, the prayer that I prayed when I was filled with the Spirit was a warfare prayer. I had an unquenchable hunger and thirst for Him and His Word. I searched, searched and searched for bible studies, classes, books and whatever I could get my hands on to learn more about Him. His Way. His blessings. His answers.
I was tired of what the world had to offer. I was not getting the answers or a solution to my problems doing it my way, what I had learned from home, the worlds way or my friends way. So out of the PAIN in my life, I reached out to God and He saved me. Saved me from my past. Saved me from my present situation and gave me HOPE for my future.
There are some misconceptions about what it means to be saved. There are some lies and deception out there about what it means. It does NOT mean you are now perfect. Your life is perfect. Your marriage is perfect. Your children are perfect. Your/work – life is perfect. What it means is NOW you have direct access to The One who IS perfect. It means that you are now forgiven and you have the freedom to live your life as such. You are no longer bound to the ‘sins’ or demons of your past. You are now FREE to live and walk in your NEW life. Without judgement. Without condemnation.
You are no longer bound by what others say or think about you. The ONLY opinion (truly) that matters is God’s opinion of you. I spoke about this more here.
Back to my story – I was very comfortable with my relationship with God and The Holy Spirit. My relationship with the two was (serving me) well. WoW! I was ‘using them’ because they were ‘serving’ me! How prideful of me! Hey, I’m telling the truth! I was falling more and more in love with them both. I was growing despite all the dark, painful, dreadful days, weeks and years I walked with them. I was growing more and more dependent on them both.
Jesus…I kept Him at a distance. Was he my Savior? Yes! Did I believe that He was born, lived, died and resurrected? A resounding YES! But…I kept Him at a distance. It wasn’t until God showed me my PRIDE, rebelliousness and flat out disobedience that I began to realize my distance from Jesus. You see, as I saw it, Jesus was not ‘serving’ me in the way God and The Holy Spirit was. I felt like if I got to know Jesus as intimately as I did God and The Holy Spirit that somehow I would now become ‘responsible’ for that knowledge. That I would then have to live as He did -which was SELFLESSLY!!!
I felt that if I did that, my life would be a big OUCH! I felt that I had suffered enough throughout my walk. I wanted some RELIEF not more PAIN. Then I reasoned to myself (in a good way). “Stephanie, you are suffering anyway – why not suffer and get something GOOD out of it? The way you are doing it, the only thing you’re getting out of it is to suffer pain and the outcome of that is NOTHING or worse”. So, I did what Joyce Meyer says – I did it afraid!
I discovered a secret when I made that decision and actually did it. I gained spiritual power! I gained more strength to overcome things that defeated me for years in my past. And. It. Felt. Good!
I am VICTORIOUS instead of victim! I am JOYFUL instead of depressed and defeated! I am living in my sweet spot and excited about the adventure of life.
Imagine that? Assess yourself. Have you made Jesus your SAVIOR + your LORD? Are you living that way? Do you need to reconnect? Is something holding you back? If so, what is it? What baby steps can you take towards connection or reconnection? Do you have questions? If so, do you have anyone to talk about it with? If you don’t, you can talk to me. You can message me here.
Does what I’ve said resonate with you? Do you have any experience with or like this? Tell me below in the comments. I’d love to hear your opinion.
Peace & Blessings,
Do you desire to know your calling in life? Are you feeling unfulfilled and would like to live in your sweet spot – that life that feels simply marvelous? Do you sometimes wonder why certain things are happening in your life? Do you believe that everything – including the
Is it possible that you are being ‘repositioned’ for greater power and authority in order for greater service to others?
Greater power would give you the ability to affect change in the world. Greater ability would enlarge your capacity for leadership. With greater service to others you would be able to add more value and benefit to those around you.
You may be saying to yourself, “who me”? Change the world? Yes! YOU!
You may not be called to change ‘the’ world, but all of us have the capacity to change ‘our‘ world. Whether you are ‘just’ a mother, father, daughter, kid or student – YOU have been endowed by your Creator for a purpose.
My colleague, Michael Williams (pictured with me above), has developed a series to help you stir up what is already within you so that you can start living a truly fulfilled life. It is called The Joseph Factor. The Joseph Factor answers the question – why am I here?
If you want updates on The Joseph Factor, click here to sign up .
I am looking forward to hearing about your journey. I want to hear about your thoughts about what you think. Put your comments below to share them with me.
Peace & Blessings,
Something that I’ve been reading leading up to the New Year is the idea of theme. Apparently, people have been declaring themes for a while. I thought it is a great idea so I declared my theme on my Facebook page. You can see mine HERE. While you are there, why don’t you give the LIKE button a little click?
I like the idea of declaring a theme because it seems so strategic – and I like strategy! I like planning and being intentional. It goes with the principle in Habbakkuk 2:2-3 ~ And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that breadth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
When you write visions and plans down you are expressing what is in your heart to do and deliver. You have focused direction. Like a compass. A map. This principle holds true in science too. Studies show that when you write your New Year’s plans down -even if you do not revisit them during the year- you have a 44% greater chance of achieving them! This illustrates the power of your subconscious mind. in the goal setting process. The brain has a filter called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) which is responsible for altered arousal. It is the part of your brain that makes you aware of what’s happening in the world relevant to you. The RAS is at work when you are pregnant and suddenly it seems that everyone is pregnant. Or, you buy a car and now you see that car everywhere. In the same way, if you’ve heightened your awareness and you’ve set a theme for the year, the RAS will alert you to relevance and opportunities. Your subconscious mind is working for you.
To be sure, be ready and prepared for opposition. More often than not, when you are trying to move in a positive direction, there will be challenges to test your declaration.
In the spirit of declaring your theme. In setting your course for the year. In putting to work the RAS of your subconsciousness –
Share with us below. Or on our Facebook page.
Peace and Blessings,